Spoiler alert, I don't have the answer either! But does anyone have it? I have always found this question fascinating and after several years of studying people and the relationships between people, I am becoming more convinced that the important thing is not to have the ultimate answer to the question. And I say this because I do not believe that we are a rational animal. I think it is more correct to say that we are an animal that rationalizes. Everything he does and especially when the motivation for this behavior is largely emotional and visceral.
In fact, what we do best is to find apparently logical reasons to justify the vast majority of our behavior that is far from rational. We are overwhelmingly passionate and embracing this little idea can help explain a lot about the current state of our planet and our human society. However, understanding why relationships with the other are so complex does not guarantee that they will cease to be, but not doing so is guaranteeing that they will never cease to be. And if I don't have final answers to the question, I have some ideas that help me navigate this complex world of human relationships. And they are:
- Not assuming that the other thinks or is motivated as I do
- Assuming that the biggest obstacle is me
- Assuming that the onus of bringing the relationship to fruition is mine
Don't assume that the other thinks like me - Because he really will hardly think like me. Each one is born into a distinct personal universe composed of so many different variables and influences. And while we can all be molded from the same clay, we are not all molded equally. Our family, social, emotional and economic circumstances are different and even within the same family the experience of two brothers can be drastically different.
Assuming that the other thinks differently is forcing me to be attentive, forcing me to assume a humble position of learning and discovering the other as something new and unknown. Yes, it is molded from the same clay, but what forces shaped it? How would I be or think if I had also been subjected to the same circumstances? Of course, it is easier to interpret the behavior of others based on the rules of my world, but this is a prison that prevents me from experiencing the other to its fullest. If I look at the other and what I see is a projection of myself and my view of the world, can I say that I am relating to the other, or am I just using the other to relate to some part of me?
Assuming that the biggest obstacle is me - This point follows from the previous one, because if in the attempt to relate to the other I am limited by who I am and because what I know about the world, then my smallness and my narrowness are perhaps the biggest obstacle to be able to deal with any type of person whether they are a lot or a little like me. It is easy to deal with “equals”, with those who think or feel similar. But how many people fall into this category? And in the world of work where we have to relate to all kinds of people, whether or not we have an affinity with them.
Assuming that the biggest obstacle is me helps me to focus on my prejudices, weaknesses and limitations in order to be able to develop empathy and a deeper understanding of a reality that is unknown to me. Who is this person, where did he come from, why do he think so? How are you able to behave so differently from mine? Of course, the immediate impulse is to close the door to someone who is profoundly different from us, whether out of fear, distrust or prejudice. And there it is, once again the obstacle is me and my limitations. But assuming that the obstacle is me forces me to be aware of myself and to reflect on my behaviors and motivations.
Assuming that the onus of bringing the relationship to fruition is mine - That is, taking the onus of leading the direction of the relationship. It's certainly a buzzword: "lead," but we all imagine ourselves leading a unicorn start-up, not co-worker relationships. But deep down, it all starts with relationships between people and the ability to captivate and motivate others. Ultimately, no matter how simple our professional position is, we all need each other, even if it is to create a healthy and positive work environment and in this aspect, assuming the burden of leadership in relationships, with those around us, is to work actively. to be surrounded by positive and beneficial relationships for both parties.
